Devotion & Discipline: Motherhood as a Path of Love

by Felicidad Aveleyra.

What is devotion? I ask myself this often, as it is a word I frequently encounter in spiritual practices, books, and even love poems. It is defined as “religious fervor,” as well as “the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal,” and “the act of dedicating something to a cause, enterprise, or activity.”

Skipping the first definition, I would say that you do not have to be religious to be devoted. Devotion can come from a feeling of responsibility in some of us, thinking that in the great plan of life our devotion to someone might make a difference in their development, their self-assurance, their well-being, and their lives. Other times it comes naturally from the love we feel for others.For mothers, it often comes both ways: feeling responsible for the ones we love the most and naturally devoting our energy, time, effort, thoughts, and actions to the beings we brought into this world.I spent most of my life unmarried and without children. I was always responsible with any job I had. I always delivered and always paid my bills on time. Still, I was not someone I would consider disciplined.Some of our weaknesses and failures come from childhood experiences and trauma. My personality has always leaned toward the artistic, creative, and somewhat messy side, combined with a stressful childhood, a sense of insecurity, and a rebel living inside me. All of that translated into having a difficult relationship with discipline. Habits do not come naturally to me.My mind flies away every day, and I must make an effort to ground myself and put daily things in order.When I lived in Los Angeles, I had my mornings for myself. I might grab my bike and ride somewhere for breakfast, read a book, cook for myself at home, go to the gym, or walk around Santa Monica before heading to my serious job in the afternoon. There was nothing I truly had to commit to besides my work.I was already forty when I became pregnant. I had not planned it. I was not expecting it to happen. It troubled me at first. I felt extremely nervous, but I eventually surrendered to what life was presenting—gifting—me.Part of me knew I was committing to a new human being for life, which is precisely why I had never planned on becoming a mother. I had always loved babies, since I was a baby myself, but I realized that I had never seriously considered motherhood because I had felt responsible for others my entire life.That realization came one day through a boyfriend I had in Mexico. He had seen all my struggles trying to help my parents, trying to make their lives happier. One day he said to me:“Feli, I understand now why you don’t want to be a mom. It’s because you have always been one to your parents.”I froze. I felt goosebumps and a deep sense of humility in hearing his observation.Wow. He had just pinpointed the reason why I, a caring, fun, and empathetic woman toward children, had never imagined motherhood as my reality.Suddenly it became clear. What had been unconscious became conscious.I was tired of mothering.Having parents who grew up with traumatic experiences sometimes pushes children to become their saviors. Does it have to do with our Moon sign? With astrology? With the soul? With trauma transmitted through DNA?I do not know.But since childhood I have been devoted to my mother. I was aware of every feeling she had. If she felt sadness, I felt responsible for transforming it into happiness. If she had a need, I wished I were an adult already so I could provide for it.I could be playing happily with my brothers when she announced she was going to the market. Even if she didn’t ask me to come, I would immediately leave my playtime and go with her. I felt it was my place to be by her side, to protect her and help her.My devotion to her was present in everything I did:my good grades at school so she would feel proud and calm about my education;my waking up at night whenever I heard the apartment door open, fearing trouble between her and my father so I could step between them;my daily drawings for her;my prayers every morning on the way to school so she would be safe.Later, I even left school as a teenager so I could support our household.Eventually, this devotion became a struggle—a struggle to convince her of healthier ways of thinking, to help her take better care of herself, to help her see the positive side of things.During my teenage years, I also devoted myself to trying to understand my father. I tried to talk with him, ask questions about his past, and connect with him—even when he was under the influence of alcohol. I wanted to understand him and help him see that love could be stronger than the absence of love he had experienced growing up, stronger than addiction.Eventually, I realized it wasn’t.Still, I remained devoted to trying to keep him safe and make him feel appreciated and heard.Then, in 2020, the first beautiful light of my life was born.My daughter—my teacher—arrived, revealing to me the greatest power in life: creation.Naturally, she became the first priority in my list of responsibilities and devotion. For the first time, the person I was caring for actually depended on me to survive, to learn, and to feel safe.In 2021, my second daughter arrived, multiplying the love and deepening those responsibilities.With babies at home, if you are not a morning person, you are forced to become one. No matter how little sleep you get or how many times you are awakened at night, their needs do not wait.That is when my discipline began.Setting the alarm clock every morning. Waking up to care for them. Planning the meals I will prepare for them and the family. School drop-offs and pick-ups. After-school activities. Showers, hair brushing, nail clipping.All the little things that I became disciplined to do because of them.Through them, I have witnessed the development of human beings: how our parenting appears in their actions and interactions with others, but also how their own instincts emerge—their personalities, preferences, rhythms, humor, thoughts, and questions about life.Witnessing their existence is a privilege that has deepened my devotion to them. I admire them.But devotion without discipline can produce unhealthy results.A parent who is deeply devoted but afraid to set boundaries might become submissive to a child’s desires and demands. Instead of raising a confident human being, they risk raising a spoiled one.The word “spoiled” is quite descriptive. When a child’s every wish is fulfilled without guidance or limits, that child becomes a spoiled project. Their behavior eventually becomes a burden not only to parents but to teachers, caregivers, and others around them. The greatest tragedy is that the child suffers the most, struggling to form friendships and adapt to the real world.When adults carry unresolved issues from their own childhood, those wounds can unconsciously influence their parenting.That certainly happened with my parents. Both of them had emotionally absent parents.The result was a misplacement of roles.I should have been the daughter throughout most of our shared life, but in many ways I became the mother. It was a role that did not belong to me. That created insecurity during my childhood and youth because it was impossible for me to fulfill the needs of my “adult children” while being a child myself.Even so, despite the trauma and heartache my mother carried since childhood, she did an extraordinary job raising us. She guided us, setting up strong rules. She made us responsible. She was loving and affectionate, and she never abandoned her responsibilities as a mother, even during the most difficult times.Both discipline and devotion were present.I think that it has helped in my life that I have been attracted to the beauty and knowledge of yoga and to different readings that involve psychology. Also observing has aloud me to understand more about our humanity. We need to be watching too because I believe that personal experience plus the lessons learned by others actually help. Now, as I see our family story more clearly with time and maturity, my deepest wish is that my parenting helps my daughters grow up fearless, able to develop their talents fully, and always feeling loved.Free to inhabit their true place in our family.My daughters— the subjects of my profound devotion.

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Devotion & Discipline: Motherhood as a Path of Love is part of Suddha Prem Magazine — Issue #6

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